|
|
Note: I am not the number one buckaroo at the Grammer Rodeo!! So you have to take the story as it is and correct the grammer and spelling from your side. It reads like I talk. I won the Liar's Contest 2008 with this story. You should have been there. I had a desire to race in the Last Great Race. An 1100 mile dog sled race from Now I knew there was no need me entering the race unless I had dogs that could win. Many of you all know I am the best breeder of barking brutes that ever broke a biscuit for a Boston Bull. And that I have been badly bitten by big bunches of bad Blood Hounds. But I bravely broke them to beg for bones and be benevolent body guards for bouncing baby boys. Banding bird dogs, Blue Ticks, Bore hounds, and Beagles with bits of beefsteak and brilliant brain work to be known as the best breeder from the billows of Bemamy bay to the back streets of Belleview. So I decided to come up with 16 dogs that I knew could out perform any dog in the Iditarod. Most of you all know my dog, Snookey Remas Copeland the III, that due to an unfortunate accident, when he was a youngster, he was cut in half and in my zeal to save him I put him back together well—wrong. Now he has two legs up and two legs down and a half nose on each end. He’s a very smart dog. Why it’s like he has two brains, well, he does, kind of, ½ on each end. He is also slow to tire, being he can flip over and run on his other legs when feels tired on one set. I knew he would make a great lead dog. Now using my “PHD” in Biomedical Genetic Engineering that I got from Sears and Roebucks I set out to create the best sled dog there ever was. I started with an Alaskan husky and added the genes of an Well I trained them to follow commands and to pull a sled. I didn’t have to train them to run. On race day I took my dogs to Anchorage, Now I’m old school I holler “Mush” When I the starter yelled “GO” I yelled “MUSH” And with a Roar and Whinny and – beep-- beep --. We were off. I was flapping out behind that sled like a flag. We were going so fast we were retarding time. After 24 hours of running we were two days ahead of everybody else. When we got to the check point they wanted to disqualify me. YEA!! They said that they weren’t sure if my dogs were really dogs. I argued the point and asked them to define “Dog.” I grabbed the Webster’s I carry with me and looked up Dog. “Dog—A domesticated carnivore.” I put my hand on Nasty’s head (You know, to show he was domesticated,) and I said “Does this look like a vegetarian to you?” They had to agree that they passed the test of being dogs. Well I tied my feet to the runners of the sled so I would not flap like a flag out the back of the thing and said “MUSH” and with a “Roar and Whinny and a beep—beep” we were off again. Now some of you may remember that Snookey is a bear dog, used for hunting bear. His trouble was and is that he likes to chase rabbits. That is how he got cut in half to start with. We’re going along at a good clip when I see a rabbit cross the path in front of us and Snookey saw it too. He took off after that rabbit and the cheetah genes on the other dogs kicked in and the whole bunch of turned left so hard that runners on the sled broke clean off and the sled went left and I went right. I was now on skies. I went over this little rise and started down a long hill. Now let me tell you about skiing. Anybody can ski. It does not mater your age, condition or infirmities. You strap two boards to your feet and point them down hill, I don’t care if you are sick lame or lazy you goanna ski. When you take lesions they don’t teach you to ski they teach to “NOT” ski. I had not had lesions so I didn’t know how to “NOT” ski. I was headed down this hill and I passed this guy in a little skin tight suit like he was backing up. Some one had taken and driven stakes in the ground red and blue. I was trying to slow my self down by grabbing hold of them has I went by. I wasn’t having much luck. I was weaving in and out of those stakes and getting faster and faster. I saw at the bottom of the hill a big sign that was flashing numbers real fast. There was all these people behind this paper fence and I was hollering “Get out the way get out the way” As I passed under this big sign that said finish. That big sign started flashing “WORLD RECORD!! WORLD RECORD!! I tore through that paper fence and that crowed parted. They were standing in front of a Taco Bell. I hit that bell head first “BONG” grabbed a burrito on my way out. I heard this man say “Who was that man?” and this lady said. “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.” I stared down this hill on the other side of the restaurant and I could see my dogs sleeping in the sun at the bottom. As I skied by I grabbed the handle bar of the sled and hollered “MUSH” and with a roar and whinny and ----- {Pause for audience to put in beep beep.} Yes, thank you beep beep. WE were off faster than we had ever gone before. I was flapping out behind that sled like a flag. I yelled at Snookey to stop at Old Woman. (That’s a place, not a who.) I knew that they had a nice Port-a-Potty there. All of a sudden the sled stopped, but I did not. I sailed over the sled and found myself on Thin Ice with an Avalanche coming down on me. That’s my two swing dogs, Avalanche and Thin Ice. After I got the dogs off of me and me off the dogs I looked around to see what happened. Why did we stop so suddenly? Well, what it was, was, we was there. I headed for the potty it was a nice one. Kind of a gang toilet When I went in I was confronted by a Bear. A big Polar Bear Well that bear jumped me. {Remove hat to show blue hair} Don’t laugh some where there is a polar bear that looks about the same. Cause it was a terrible fight. That bear was really laying it on, but me, well, I was doing all right. I got him this head lock and drug him to the door. Well when I opened the door those dogs took one look at us and took off. One went dog leg left and one went dog leg right the rest went off in 13 different directions. Snookey attacked and chased off the bear. Cause he’s a bear dog. He was the only one that stayed with me. Me and Snookey pulled that sled all the way to It was a “Ruff” trip and cold without pants. Oh!! Didn’t I tell you I wasn’t wearing any pants? Well, you meet a bear in the toilet and see if you don’t jump out of your drawers too. Well I know that my dogs are out there still they would be too tough to kill. No hunter would go after them. Heck! you’d need tags and permits; it would be like getting permission to shoot a zoo. So if you’re ever in How it happened I knew it was going to be an interesting trip when I saw all the service animals. You know Seeing Eye dogs and the like. There was even one lady that had a Great Dane that she said was her mental companion. I took one look at her and knew I was not going to argue with her. Well, as the plane took off I had to go to the toilet and just as soon as the seat belt sign went off I got up and headed that way. The Pilot must have left his mike on after the welcome cause I could hear every word that he said. And what he said as I approached the toilet was “Do you want to fly the plane.” I hoped he was talking to the co-pilot. Who ever he was talking too must have said yes because then he said “Take hold of the throdle and push it forward.” As I opened the door to the toilet I heard the whine of the engine pick up speed. I stepped into the toilet and unbuckled my belt and the pilot said. “NO, push it forward” Then it was liked someone kicked the plane I was thrown back busting through that little wall and got all tangled up in wires and cables and what not. The pilot was saying “Too Much!! Too much, pull it back.” Then it was like some one slammed on the breaks and I went flying forward and crashed through the wall and got tangled up in wires and cables and what not. One of the wires must have had electricity running through it, because when I accidentally touched it to the side of the plane it blew a hole in the plane. Not a very big hole I grabbed a role of toilet paper and crammed it in the hole (you know to keep the plane from depressurizing). As I turned to do so the plane kind of turned with me and when I started to put my foot down the plane went nose up. The pilot said some thing about the automatic pilot taking over. And I realized that I was flying the plane AND I WAS IN THE TOILET. THERE IS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WHEN YOU’RE FLYING THE PLANE FROM THE TOILET. ONE IS YOU CAN’T SEE WHERE YOUR GOING (Well any time your in the toilet and can’t see where your going its trouble). I have all ways had dead reckoning. I know that way is north. I get that from telling Yankees how to get home. The problem was I did not know where we were in relationship to where we were going. I knew that if I turned the plane due south and put it on a decline that alarms or something would go off as when we got over water or too low to the ground at least some one would notice and I could get some help back here. So I turned the plane due south and put the nose down. It wasn’t too long before bells and whistles started going off and the pilot said something about us flying too low over As the toilet paper roll hit the nose cone of the missile I bank hard to the left then jinked right. And that’s when the pig got sacred; yes I said “pig.” That pig went running up and down the isle screaming and peeing and Pooing. I ‘m telling you that incident alone caused the entire airline industry to sit down and rethink there service animal policy. But there was good news. I now knew where I was in relation ship to where I was going. So turned that plane toward That’s how it happened. That’s how I ended up with blue hair . Whoa!!!
Went to the Hog Towne Fair and as you can see I had a little protection from the "Barbarian". He is the babe magnet of the fair. I know, I put on a little weight. Oh!! but the food was good. I had a great time. Wish I had seen you there. Next year I will be selling the bones of the disciple Bob. Did not have any this year. Gave away indulgences. Anyone need sin protection? Just give me a call. See below for "MY LOOK" at the joust.
For Sale!!!! The CD's that you all have waited for.
Don Leonard "Have Stories Will Tell" and "Let Me Tell You a Story" Bob Cork --"Foggy River Stories" and "Duncan of French Lick"
The Ocali Story telling guild "Just for the Telling" Jacques Dore "A Poor Knight of Christ " stories from medievil history. . "I Owe Every Thing I am Today to Jack Daniel's" and a New one "Snow Dogs" Record your stories with CopelandMedia. We can produce most CD's for $5.00 each. Price encludes recording and editing, art work and packaging. Just e-mail Jack Need a good story teller contact Jack at jack@jackcopeland.com CopelandMedia as a new service. We will put any record on CD. How about those old 78's that grandma has that you can't play anymore, old 45's or even thoese old 8 tracks that you would like to hear once more, maybe while in the car. Just give us a call. Or e-mail Jack all antique records treated with the greatest of care. We also record personal histories. Just e-mail Jack and we will give you the details. . CD's listed above are $12.00. I will pay the shipping. What a deal. Order in bulk and I will give you a better rate. You got to love this kind of deal. These CD's are produced by CopelandMedia, and you know how good they are. They're good. |
I guess everyone knows that the number "42" is the answer to LIFE and everything. I left this picture of the Ocala Storytelling Festival because I like it.
