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Iditarod

� I had a desire to race in the Last Great Race. An 1100 mile dog sled race from Anchorage Alaska to Nome through the worst weather on the planet and over the most beautiful country made by God and it�s a race they call �The Iditarod�. Now I knew there was no need me entering the race unless I had dogs that could win. Many of you all know I am the best breeder of barking brutes that ever broke a biscuit for a Boston Bull. And that I have been badly bitten by big bunches of bad Blood Hounds. But I bravely broke them to beg for bones and be benevolent body guards for bouncing baby boys. Banding bird dogs, Blue Ticks, Bore hounds, and Beagles with bits of beefsteak and brilliant brain work to be known as the best breeder from the billows of Bemamy bay to the back streets of Belleview. So I decided to come up with 16 dogs that I knew could out perform any dog in the Iditarod. Most of you all know my dog, Snookey Remas Copeland the III, that due to an unfortunate accident, when he was a youngster, he was cut in half and in my zeal to save him I put him back together well�wrong. Now he has two legs up and two legs down and a half nose on each end. He�s a very smart dog. Why it�s like he has two brains, well, he does, kind of, � on each end. He is also slow to tire, being he can flip over and run on his other legs when feels tired on one set. I knew he would make a great lead dog. Now using my �PHD� in Biomedical Genetic Engineering that I got from Sears and Roebucks I set out to create the best sled dog there ever was. I started with an Alaskan husky and added the genes of an Ocala through bred race horse. For toughness I put in the genes of a Grizzly bear. A Cheetah for more speed and I even threw in a road runner for, well, I just threw in a Road Runner. I mean there fast, right?? I put enough together to grow 15 dogs. I put it all in Petri dishes and put them in the oven at low bake. Three months later the cutest puppies you ever saw were born. They had hooves and claws and every one of um thought I was his Momma. Well I trained them to follow commands and to pull a sled. I didn�t have to train them to run. On race day I took my dogs to Anchorage, Now I�m old school I holler �Mush� When the starter yelled �GO� I yelled �MUSH� And with a Roar and Whinny and � beep-- beep --. We were off. I was flapping out behind that sled like a flag. We were going so fast we were retarding time. After 24 hours of running we were two days ahead of everybody else. When we got to the check point they wanted to disqualify me. YEA!! They said that they weren�t sure if my dogs were really dogs. I argued the point and asked them to define �Dog.� I grabbed the Webster�s I carry with me and looked up Dog. �Dog�A domesticated carnivore.� I put my hand on Nasty�s head (You know, to show he was domesticated,) and I said �Does this look like a vegetarian to you?� They had to agree that they passed the test of being dogs. Well I tied my feet to the runners of the sled so I would not flap like a flag out the back of the thing and said �MUSH� and with a �Roar and Whinny and a beep�beep� we were off again. Now some of you may remember that Snookey is a bear dog, used for hunting bear. His trouble was and is that he likes to chase rabbits. That is how he got cut in half to start with. We�re going along at a good clip when I see a rabbit cross the path in front of us and Snookey saw it too. He took off after that rabbit and the cheetah genes on the other dogs kicked in and the whole bunch turned left so hard that runners on the sled broke clean off and the sled went left and I went right. I was now on skies. I went over this little rise and started down a long hill. Now let me tell you about skiing. Anybody can ski. It does not mater your age, condition or infirmities. You strap two boards to your feet and point them down hill, I don�t care if you are sick lame or lazy you goanna ski. When you take lessions they don�t teach you to ski they teach to �NOT� ski. I had not had lessions so I didn�t know how to �NOT� ski. I was headed down this hill and I passed this guy in a little skin tight suit like he was backing up. Some one had taken and driven stakes in the ground red and blue. I was trying to slow my self down by grabbing hold of them has I went by. I wasn�t having much luck. I was weaving in and out of those stakes and getting faster and faster. I saw at the bottom of the hill a big sign that was flashing numbers real fast. There was all these people behind this paper fence and I was hollering �Get out the way get out the way� As I passed under this big sign that said finish. That big sign started flashing �WORLD RECORD!! WORLD RECORD!! I tore through that paper fence and that crowd parted. They were standing in front of a Taco Bell. I hit that bell head first �BONG� grabbed a burrito on my way out. I heard this man say �Who was that man?� and this lady said. �I don�t know, but his face rings a bell.� I stared down this hill on the other side of the restaurant and I could see my dogs sleeping in the sun at the bottom. As I skied by I grabbed the handle bar of the sled and hollered �MUSH� and with a roar and whinny and ----- {Pause for audience to put in beep beep.} Yes, thank you beep beep. WE were off faster than we had ever gone before. I was flapping out behind that sled like a flag. I yelled at Snookey to stop at Old Woman. (That�s a place, not a who.) I knew that they had a nice Port-a-Potty there. All of a sudden the sled stopped, but I did not. I sailed over the sled and found myself on Thin Ice with an Avalanche coming down on me. That�s my two swing dogs, Avalanche and Thin Ice. After I got the dogs off of me and me off the dogs I looked around to see what happened. Why did we stop so suddenly? Well, what it was, was, we was there. I headed for the potty it was a nice one. Kind of a gang toilet When I went in I was confronted by a Bear. A big Polar Bear Well that bear jumped me. {Remove hat to show blue hair} Don�t laugh some where there is a polar bear that looks about the same. Cause it was a terrible fight. That bear was really laying it on, but me, well, I was doing all right. I got him this head lock and drug him to the door. Well when I opened the door those dogs took one look at us and took off. One went dog leg left and one went dog leg right the rest went off in 13 different directions. Snookey attacked and chased off the bear. Cause he�s a bear dog. He was the only one that stayed with me. Me and Snookey pulled that sled all the way to Nome by our self�s The race was long over before we got there. We didn�t win. It was such a tragic story that Mike Campbell wrote a song about and sings it all over Alaska. You can look it up on youtube. It was a �Ruff� trip and cold without pants. Oh!! Didn�t I tell you I wasn�t wearing any pants? Well, you meet a bear in the toilet and see if you don�t jump out of your drawers too. Well I know that my dogs are out there still they would be too tough to kill. No hunter would go after them. Heck! you�d need tags and permits; it would be like getting permission to shoot a zoo. So if you�re ever in Alaska and see one of my �dogs� run by with �Roar and Whinny and a Beep Beep. Tell em his Mom says Hi. font>